I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
