I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
