she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
