we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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