We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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