All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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