sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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