My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
