If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
