I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
A+ Viking dick
I think I just sharted jello shots
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
