She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
