Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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