I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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