mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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