Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
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why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga