you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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