Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
