the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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