I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
