i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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