I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
