Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
