how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
