Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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