Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I pour the whiskey from now on
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
