i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is my gift to your gina
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
