dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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