Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
