so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
