I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
