Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
