So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why are your pants in the freezer?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
