i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
