Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
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drunk brunch me or lose me forever
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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