You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
whose parrot is this?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
