This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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