I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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