Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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