I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
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I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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