Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My vagina just recognized that song.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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