nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself