She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
