I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
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Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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