I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
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