Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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