note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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