Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
