The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
