Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
