I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.