So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..