it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
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Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.