I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.