Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
