I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
