i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
