bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
