Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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