am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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