and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
