I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
